


My Truth Is My Deepest Secret

by orphan_account



Category: Constantine (TV), Hellblazer, Hellblazer & Related Fandoms
Genre: He's kinda punk, He's still cocky as shit, M/M, OOC John
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:44:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has fallen deeply in love with Chas, but Chas thinks very negatively about John. Can John pick up the pieces of their broken friendship and turn it into something more?</p><p>EDIT: This fic is abandoned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Is the Game, There's No Getting Out

    John leant against the cold brick wall and pulled out his lighter before digging out in the pockets of his beige trench coat, finally pulling out a cigarette. After several attempts of trying to get his lighter to spark  _something,_ he sighed and tossed it on the ground, deciding to just wait until they got back to the house.

 

"Why do you always have to wear that ugly coat?" said a familiar voice, causing John to jump a little. He turned to face Chas and smiled, but it quickly faced when he saw the scowl on his face.

 

"What's up, mate?" asked John; he hated to see Chas like this, all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around his friend and tell him things would be okay. Of course he couldn't do that though, considering Chas pretty much hated his guts.

 

Chas sighed and flipped his notebook closed, "They weren't any help, lets go." John followed after Chas and sighed as he sat down in the car, waiting for Chas to get in.

 

"You are quite intimidating" John remarked, a small smirk on his lips.

 

"Face it, John, you're not so appealing yourself." Chas shot back, "With your constant need to smoke, your leather pants, and your fucking band t-shirts; I mean for fuck's sake John, you smell like you bathe in cigarette smoke!"

 

Constantine pretended to not be fazed by Chas' words, but they did sting. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel and grunted in response. He took glances at Chas here and there, his face turning pink when he was caught a few times. The ride back to the mill house was quite long, agonisingly long. John tried his hardest to keep from pulling over and climbing onto Chas' lap and grind against him.  

 

After the two finally arrived back at the mill, John let Chas out and watched after him, letting out a frustrated sigh before getting out of the car.

 

He greeted Zed on the way in, having a quick, much unwanted chat with her about Chas and what colour she should dye her hair. When they were done chatting, John made his way back to his bedroom and slamming the door shut. He shrugged out of his coat and threw it on the bed before flipping his stereo up loud, very loudly, and taking a seat at his desk. Luckily the AUX chord that Zed had bought him was about ten feet long and he could plug his phone in and still control what he was listening to from his desk or bed. He scrolled through the music on his phone for a while before finally settling on one of his favourite bands, Gojira. He turned the volume up all of the way and laid his head on the desk. 

 

"Why are you helping him? I mean, does he even thank you for anything? Every time I'm here, he doesn't even stay out here to chat, he just sleams his bedroom door and cranks up his horrible music." Chas sat down next to Zed and sighed, waiting for her answer.

 

Zed just turned to face Chas, "I guess I could ask you the same thing. And you have known John for years, but you don't know a damn thing about him. He only goes into his room and turns on his music when he's upset, but of course he'd never admit to it, so there isn't much use in talking to him about it."  She smiled and passed Chas a bottle of whiskey, "You look like you could use it."

 

"Thanks" Chas whispered, taking a long swig of the liquid, humming at the burn it sent down his throat. "So what would John be upset about?"

 

Zed shrugged her shoulders, "Hell if I know. But I notice that it is only when you go on a case with him. Alone."

 

"So you're saying he's got a problem with me?"

 

"I wouldn't call it a problem" she sighed, flipping through the TV channel.

 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Chas snarled, rubbing his tired eyes, not really wanting to putup with whatever John's problem was.

 

"I see the way he looks at you, Chas" replied Zed, her arms folded over her chest, "He always looks after you to make sure you're safe to make sure no one has come to take you away..."

 

Chas tensed for a moment, trying to wrap his head around the fact that John might actually have some kind of feeling for him. "I need to talk to John" he murmured, standing up and making his way into John's bedroom. His heart clenched when he saw John sitting on his bed with a blanket draped over his shoulders. "Hey, John" Chas murmured, trying to keep his voice even and soft. "Can we chat?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Tristania.


	2. I've Killed the Part of Me That Was Raging

John poked his head up and nodded, "Sure, mate, you got somethin' on the case?" he grinned, putting out his cigarette and shrugging the blanket off his shoulders.

 

Chas sighed and sat down next to Constantine, "Why do you always come in and go straight to your room?"

 

"I don't know?" answered  John, "I just do. I don't know why that would be a problem for you." He grabbed his phone and paused the loud music that was playing.

 

"Why do you go out of your way to either avoid me for a week or start protecting me and defending me?" Chas mused.

 

John tensed for a moment and brought his sleeves down over his hands, "I don't know, I don't realise that I try and avoid you. I don't mean to."

 

Chas nodded slowly, taking notice to John's nervous fidgeting, "John, you need to start opening up, you're not doing yourself any favours by keeping it all in.

 

John scoffed and pushed his boot into Chas' face, "Hey, practice what you preach, mate!" he snarled, "If you really want to do the whole 'opening up' thing then you have to do your fair share! You spend night after night drinking away all of your problems; so if you really want to talk about opening up, please actually be ready to stop putting away the booze!" He ran a hand through his messy hair, watching Chas as he shook his head. "Can't take it, love?"

 

Chas growled and stood up, "Sometimes, John, I just want to have a nice conversation with you and maybe be able to understand you more. But fine, fuck you!" He spun round on his heels, looked back at John and sighed, "Try having sympathy for one." He made his way out into the lounge and groaned, slamming the door shut behind him.

 

John whimpered and laid his head on his pillow, his eyes welling with tears. He cranked his music back up and sorted through his things before pulling out a bottle of vodka and a fresh pack of cigarettes. After lighting up and popping the bottle open, he grabbed his bass up off the floor, beginning to strum a few strings. After the song changed to a band he most recently discovered, called Aborted; he knew they weren't the heaviest band he listened to, but he did like a few of their songs. His fingers moved quickly and swiftly along the neck of the green and black mass. John leant back against the pillows, slowly taking deep breaths. He wanted to go out and apologise to Chas, but he couldn't now that he had told him to stop drinking away his problems, and he, himself, probably reeked of vodka and cigarette smoke.

 

He slowly became less and less aware of what he was doing as the night when on, and by the time it was midnight (or what he thought was midnight) he was a drunken mess that was barely able to see straight.

 

Zed sighed and stood up, moving into the kitchen where Chas was cooking, "Maybe you should check on John"

 

Chas sighed and threw a damp towel over his shoulder, "Why can't you do it?" he questioned. "I just talked to him like three hours ago. I'm sure he's fine." He watched as Zed grabbed the towel from his shoulder, "Okay okay, fine I'll go." He groaned and knocked on John's bedroom door, opening it when there was no answer. He stopped in his tracks when he saw John passed out on the floor; fearing alcohol poisoning, he quickly dialled 999 and called Zed in the room for help.

"John? Can you hear me? John!" cried Chas, holding his friend close and trying to shake him awake. "John!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Gojira's L'enfant Sauvage.


	3. This Is My Confession

After they had gotten to the hospital, Chas quickly headed into John's room once the doctor said he was stable and could have visitors.

 

"I swear to god, Constantine" he snarled as he stormed into his room.

 

"It's nice to see you, too, mate" John sassed, already shrugging out of his hospital gown. Chas quickly lost his train of thought when John dropped his gown. His face tuned a bright pink colour as John pulled on his boxers and turned around, "Like what you see, love?" he smirked. "You really scared me, John" Chas said sadly, "A-And I thought I lost you.."

 

"Can't exactly see why you care. Thought you hated me" replied John, pulling on his tight leather pants, followed by his spiked boots. He looked up in time to see Chas lunging towards him, barely having enough time to process what was happening and put his hands up before his lips were pressed flat against Chas'. He didn't dare kiss back, it was too much of a risk. It had been a long day and Chas was probably tired and just glad not to have an acquaintance's blood on his hands.

 

Chas bit his lip and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, "Just happy to see you're okay." He smiled and spun round on his heels, walking out of John's room. John sighed and buttoned up his shirt. He pulled on his coat and made his way out of the hospital room, smiling at Zed as she got up to give him a hug.

 

"Shall we go then?" he smirked, straightening his tie.  His two friends nodded and rushed out of the hospital.

 

Once they arrived back at the mill house, John sat on the counter in the kitchen and watched as Zed moved about, cleaning everything up.

 

"You should really talk to Chas and work things out with him. Whatever it is between you two, it isn't healthy and it is a ticking time bomb."

 

Constantine sighed and hopped off the counter, "What ever it is between Chas and I, we can work it out in our own way. Just stay out of it, love."

 

Zed leant agains their table that sat in the middle of the lounge. "Go talk to him" she snapped.

 

"Woah, love, calm down" John replied, holding his hands up. He turned when Chas entered the room, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Zed looked up at John and gestured her eyes in Chas' direction before walking into her bedroomm

 

John took a deep breath and made his way over to his friend, clearing his throat. "Can we talk, mate?" he asked softly, pulling his sleeves over his hands and looking down at the floor.

 

Chas tensed for a moment, "Uhm, sure." He took a seat at the bar and grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey, "What for?"

 

John sighed and ran a shaking hand through his messy blonde hair, "Be honest, what do you think of me?"

 

"You're arrogant, cocky, and obnoxious" Chas replied, his eyes fixed on the exorcist's lips.

 

"Could you have answered any faster, mate?"

 

"You said be honest"

 

John sighed, "Fair enough."

 

Chas watched John closely and ran a hand into his hair, "So, Zed told me that you have a little problem with me?"

 

"No, mate. It's not that I've got a problem with you... It's just that I..." John groaned and put his face in his hands, "Chas.. I.."

 

"I know we've had our issues, John, and even though you did ruin my marriage, you're still my best friend and I-"

 

"I've fallen in love with you!" John blurted out as he shot up from the table. "Chas, we've been though so much together and I know you're not... You don't go that way. I can't keep this in any longer. I'm sorry, just leave if you must but if you don't feel the same you can't stay here!"

 

Chas stared at John, eyes wide. What exactly was he hearing? Was John possessed? "What the fuck?" 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Kamelot's My Confesstion


	4. As Helpless As Vermin Swallowed Whole

Chas stood in disbelief, his hand wiping over his face over and over again as he tried to think of something to say. 

 

"Just hear me out, though" John whispered, cut off by the feel of Chas' lips on his.

 

It was only a matter of minutes before the two were stumbling over things and grinding against each other - removing clothes and garments; John pressed against the book case with Chas' lips on his neck, sucking and biting... Marking him.

 

Chas managed to pick the exorcist up in his arms and carry him into the bedroom, where he shoved John onto the bed and stood over him with a smirk.

 

John, now on his back, mouth hanging open as Chas pressed sloppy, wet kisses down his body. "Fuck, mate" he whined, pushing his hips up and aching for a touch.

 

"Be patient, Constantine" Chas growled, taking John's tie from the floor and smirking. 

 

"You going to gag me with my own tie, love?" John chuckled, eyes widening as Chas flipped him over.

 

"Shut up" Chas snarled, giving John's ass a rough slap. He purred and pulled John's hands behind his back, tying them together tightly. Tight enough to leave bruises.

 

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" John snapped, crying out as Chas spanked him again. He moaned as the other man grabbed his ass, kneading the toned cheeks.

 

John closed his eyes and hummed, loving the feel of Chas' lips on his back and shoulder blades. As Chas kissed down John's body, John became louder and louder, catching Chas off guard. He never pictured John to be the loud, submissive type;  he wondered how John would sound once he was fully inside him. "Now for the real fun," he smirked, taking hold of John's hips and angling them up better so the other's face was pushed into the pillows. He pressed teasing kisses to the small of John's back, moving down to his ass. Smirking, he pushed John's ass apart and pressed a tiny kiss to his hole, causing John to squirm under his friend. "Be still" he whispered, grabbing the lube from his bedside table.

 

John's mouth hung open as Chas kissed and licked at his hole for what seemed like hours. "Fuck, Chas" he would wine here and there. His eyes snapped open when he felt his friend's fingers inside of him. Squirming and whining as Chas opened him up, "I need more. I need you.."

 

"Not just yet" Chas cooed, running his hands up John's back and then back down to grab his cock. He smirked when John gasped and rocked forward, "No, no" he whispered as he wrapped the tie tighter around his wrists, "Not one word" he ordered, giving John another rough spank. "Make a sound and I'll leave you like this."

 

John quickly shut his mouth and presented himself nicely for Chas.

 

"Good boy"

 

John smiled as he felt Chas' cock slapping against his hole. It took nearly everything he had to bite back the moan that threatened to escape his lips as Chas pushed into him.

 

"Make a sound, I dare you" Chas growled, beginning to thrust into John. He moaned and tugged at Constantine's hair, yanking his head back as he pushed in harder. Chas moaned even, louder when John clenched around him. "Such a good little slut you are, John Presenting yourself so nicely for me." Before Jon could even think to make another sound, Chas pulled out with a groan. He turned John over, just to see the desperate, needy, broken expression on his face. "Look at that" Chas purred, "John Constantine, broken and at my mercy." He laid down next to John, watching as the other's eyes grew wide again. "On top of me."

 

John did as he was told, trying his hardest to straddle Chas' lap. He closed his eyes as the other pushed back into him. He couldn't exactly hear Chas' next command, but he must have obeyed it when he began to bounce on his cock, smiling when Chas grabbed his ass and squeezed.

 

"You're just dying to scream, aren't you, John?" Chas growled, "You can make some noise." He had barely gotten his sentence out before John let out a loud, lust filled scream; and with a few more brutal thrusts of Chas' hips, John cried out in pleasure as he came, shooting thick, creamy spurtss of cum onto Chas' chest. 

 

"Holy shit" Chas murmured, watching as John's cock twitched and spirt long ropes of cum. "You're such a good boy" he whispered, finishing inside of John with a groan.

 

John rolled off of Chas, his thighs shaking and his breathing uneven, "Never knew you were so good in bed, mate" he purred.

 

"Shut up" Chas replied, "You look completely fucked out, now get some rest." He tensed as John laid his head on his chest, "Goodnight, John." He realised that John had already fallen asleep by the sounds of his now-steady breathing and light snoring.

 

It was only a few hours later when Chas assumed that John was in a deep enough sleep to not be woken up, without anything holding him back now,  Chas slowly slid out of bed, careful not to wake the other. He made sure to unbound John's wrists before he packed up his bag and quickly made his way outside of the house, making sure to take some food for the road. 

 

Once he was outside, he looked back at the mill-house, a weight in his heart that could only be filled by John. "I love you, too, John" he whispered, "And that's why I have to leave"

 

 

 

John woke up later that morning and groaned; his ass sore. "Chas, if I'd known you were so bloody big, I wouldn't have gone so blindly into that." When there was no answer, John frowned and opened his eyes; his heard dropped when he saw that Chas was gone, along with most of his things. John sat up, his already filling with tears. "Chas?"  he called into the cold. The exorcist quickly shook his head, John Constantine didn't cry. 

 

That seemed like pure and utter bullshit right now, considering there were tears rolling down John's face and he felt the sudden rush of abandonment. He hugged one of Chas' pillows and let out a pained cry. Chas wasn't the type of guy to just fuck someone and leave, which only meant that there was way more to this than John thought. And that sure as hell didn't make John feel any better; he pulled on his boxers and draped a blanket on his shoulders before looking down at the slight imprints on his wrists of where the tie was. "Chas, mate, you didn't have to leave like this" he squeaked out, putting his face in his hands and letting every bit of sadness he was holding back come forth.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Fallujah's Carved From Stone.


	5. I've Been A Victim To The Blade Against Myself

It was about two in the afternoon when John finally decided to make an appearance in the library; his eyes were pink, he felt weak, and he knew that he would have to answer Zed's questions of 'where the hell is Chas' eventually. The exorcist let out a shaky breath before he opened the door and made his way out into the library.

 

"Morning, sleeping beauty" Zed mumbled as he looked up from the map. Her eyes quickly dated to John's pale face and the dark hickey on his neck.

 

Constantine just shook his head and made his way into the kitchen to grab an unopened bottle of whiskey.

 

"Woah, hey, John" Zed gasped as he got up and grabbed the bottle from the other. "What he hell is wrong with you? What happened to your neck, and where the hell is Chas?"

 

John bit his lip, "Don't know, love" he murmured, hugging himself tightly.

 

Zed crossed her arms and took a seat before John, "You were pretty loud last night. Did you talk with Chas about your feelings?" She watched as John turned away from her, his gaze falling to the floor. "And he didn't take it very well."

 

"Of course he didn't fucking take it well" John snapped, slamming his fist down on the table. "How would you take it if you figured out that the man you have been saving the world with for years had fallen deeply in love with you!?"

 

"I can't say it would be easy for me to get used to at first. I think you just need to give Chas some space and he'll come back."

 

John laid his head back for a moment, his eyes beginning to burn with tears. He grabbed the bottle of alcohol before quickly making his way back into Chas' bedroom.

 

Zed followed him into the bedroom and watched as he laid his head back against the bed. "You know he'll be back, right? Chas just needs time to process it." She sat on the bed beside John and pet his hair. "Just give him some space."

 

"I just need to be alone, Zed" replied John, his eyes heavy and his voice almost a whisper. He waited until Zed had gotten up and left before taking his phone out and dialling up Chas' number, his cheeks bright red as Chas answered the phone. "Chas, mate" John whispered, "You have to come back, I need you."

 

"And I love you too, John. Which is why I can't stay. Keep Zed safe, please don't kill yourself doing something fucking stupid."

 

"You're my best mate" John squeaked, his voice cracking as tears began to roll down his face. "You've been with me though nearly everything." His eyes squeezed shut when Chas hung up the phone. "Chas, mate... Please." He threw his phone across the bed and brought his knees to his chest, "I love you.." John slowly curled up under the blankets, breathing in Chas' smell as he sobbed into the pillow.

 

Zed wasn't sure how to help John with his feelings, but she knew she had to get Chas back here - just long enough for them to work  _something_ out. She grabbed her phone and dialled up Chas' number, tapping her fingers on the counter top.

 

When Chas finally answered the phone, Zed immediately told Chas to meet her at the small diner about twenty minutes outside of town. Chas agreed and hung up the phone, mumbling a small goodbye. Now Zed was left to think of an excuse that John would actually believe; but of course, at this point he would probably believe anything or not even care.

She sighed and wrapped herself in her jumper before making her way into Chas' bedroom, "John?" she called softly, sitting smile. "I'm gonna go out for a little while, is there anything you need?" She pet his hair slowly and pulled the blanket tighter around him, "Get some rest."

 

John just grunted and waved Zed away, not wanting her to hear how broken his voice was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so short. Title by Gojira's The Axe.


	6. I Am Waiting Here, Waiting For You To Come Home

Zed sat down at one of the booths in the back of the diner, her eyes wondering around for Chas. She smiled brightly and sat up straighter when she spotted her friend, "Hey" she said softly as the other sat down.

 

"What was so important you that you needed to talk to me about?" asked Chas, tapping his fingers nervously on the table.

 

"About John, Chas. You can't just fuck him and leave him like this. He's so depressed. He looks awful and he's so fucked up already so you of all people should know you can't do something like this to him, especially after Astra."

 

"How do you know about Astra?" Chas snapped, "Look I love John back, I can't be with him which is why I have to leave."

 

"John and I talked about her when you were with Renée. And we also talked about his feelings for you; they were eating him alive, Chas. But I know this shit that you're pulling hurts him even more." Zed watched as Chas' eyes darted to the floor.

 

"If I screw up like I did with Renée then I don't know what I would do. I can't just stay and wait for it, I have to leave before I cause John so much pain that he goes and does something stupid." Chas ran a nervous hand over his face, "He'll be okay, really. It's for the best."

 

Zed sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Chas, John is already a wreck. He's sobbing on your bed and hugging your pillow. Chas - Just.. It's a long story short, you're already pushing John's limits with this abandonment. You can't just do this to him."

 

"Fine, fine, I'll come back and talk to him. If it'll get you off my ass!"

 

"Hold it" Zed scoffed, "You don't care about how John feels? Only that I'll stop nagging you about this?"

 

"That's not what I said" Chas sighed, "Come on, before I change my mind." The two stood up and made their way out the door, "Where is your car?"

 

"I was dropped off here" Zed replied, getting into Chas' cab, "You're an ass and I can't believe you did that to John."

 

After the two had made it back to the mill house, Zed could hear John's music blasting through the house. "Go on. I'm not letting you leave until you talk with Constantine."

 

Chas sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He grabbed a bottle of water and two aspirin for John before heading back to his room. When he opened the door, he saw John sobbing and holding onto a pillow. He took a deep breath before turning off his music. When John whipped around, Chas smiled weakly, his eyes widening when John shot up from the bed and jumped into his arms. He let out a weak cry as Chas pet his hair, "It's okay, I'm here...Shhh" he whispered, rocking John around. "Take a deep breath."

 

John only wrapped his legs around Chas' hips and cried into his neck, "I need you, mate. Please don't leave me all alone. You're m-my best mate and I can't - I...I don't want to continue without you."

 

Chas sat down on the bed, holding John tightly in his arms, "Johnny, it isn't that I don't want to be with you, I do, I'm just afraid of fucking up and hurting you even more. You mean the world to me, baby. Please know that."

 

John squeezed his eyes shut and held onto Chas' shoulders, "I don't care. If that happens, we'll figure a way though it, just please don't leave us. I need you so bad and I love you."

 

Chas pushed John away to look in his eyes and wipe his tears away, "Okay, I'll stay, but only if you agree to be my boyfriend?"

 

"Of course you bastard!" John beamed through tears, kissing all over his new boyfriend's face.

 

"Now get dressed and take your aspirin and I'll make you something to eat." Chas scooted John along and hummed as he went to the kitchen to make a late breakfast.

 

When John finally came wondering downstairs in his usual attire, Chas smiled as the exorcist wobbled over to him and looked up with his puppy-dog eyes. "Will you tie my tie for me?" asked John, a small smile on his face.

 

As Chas tied his tie, he grinned and kissed the other's forehead and the tip of his nose when he was finished. "Turn around" Chas smiled.

 

"Sex right here, Chas? Kinky" John sassed, turning around.

 

"No, you cocky asshole" Chas giggled, tying Constantine's coat belt up for him. "Now sit. Breakfast is ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Norah Jones' Waiting.


	7. Out In the Cold

After the trio had finished breakfast, Zed hid the two a goodbye and headed back to her bedroom.

 

Chas wrapped his arms around John and pet his hair, kissing his forehead and grinning as John let out a content sigh and laced their fingers together.

 

"Can you fix my glasses for me, Chassy? I ran out of contacts last week and my glasses are broken." John smiled up at the other; watching after Chas as he went to get a small screw driver and find the pair of glasses. He lit up another cigarette and hugged himself tightly, his mind racing. Did Chas really love him? Or was he here out of pity? Or maybe Chas really did love him and is staying so he could be with him. Or maybe everything was just a cruel fucking joke that he was playing on John and could laugh at later. The exorcist was shaken from his thoughts when Chas returned with the broken purple and black glasses and his neon green acoustic guitar with the red strings.

 

"I figured you could play something for me. I know you miss playing"

 

John smiled brightly and took both of the things from Chas' hands, "Thank you." He grabbed his guitar to tune it by ear before strumming a few chords, "I was working on a Judas Priest cover of Out In the Cold. It's been going pretty well, do you want to hear it?" John smiled up at Chas and grinned as he ruffled his hair.

 

"Sure thing." Chas smiled and sat before John, fixing his glasses as the exorcist played. "It sounds really good." He pressed kisses to John's nose as he slowly snaked his arms around his waist, "Why did we ever quit that band?" He chuckled and pressed another kiss to John's neck, "Sing for me, baby."

 

John's cheeks turned red as he continued to play, "I... I'm not a good singer."

 

"Well I think otherwise, so sing. I'll sing with you if I know the song well enough."

 

John took a deep breath and glared up at Chas, "I'm holding you to it, mate." He played through the intro of the song and a verse, trying to work up the nerve to open his mouth;

 

_"Where are you now?_

_The fears are coming back to me once again,_

_Oh, I wish you were here,_

_Takin' good care of me,_

_I want you,_

_I feel as though I'm out in the cold._

 

_Out in the cold,_

_hear me calling,_

_Out in the cold,_

_Please rescue me."_

 

He smiled as Chas began to sing back up vocals, "You should sing the next verse."

 

Chas nodded, watching John play before clearing his throat;

 

_"I know it was you I hurt,_

_I didn't mean to hurt you_

_So much to forgive and forget_

_Can't take anymore of this hurt_

_Oh, no._

_There's so many things I regret."_

 

 _"Where are you now?"_ they both sang,

_"The fears are comin' back to me once again,_

_Oh, I wish you were here,_

_Taking good care of me_

_I want you_

_I feel as though I'm out in the cold._

 

_Shut me out in the cold,_

_where are you now?_

_Hear me calling_

_I need you, I'm so cold_

_Can't you hear my heart beat?_

_Please rescue me."_

 

John smirked, deciding he should show off a little. He hadn't really sang in a while and he hoped he could make his voice sound more rough and harsh.

 

_"Give me a chance, baby_

_There's nothing I wouldn't do to make it alright,_

_Just one more chance, baby_

_I need all your love tonight!"_

 

He hummed and ran a hand through his hair, "My hands hurt, I need to take a break."

 

Chas rolled his eyes, "You just want to leave it on that verse because you don't want me to outshine it."

 

"Maybe I do" John laughed as he put his guitar down to wrap his arms around Chas' neck. "I love you so much."

 

"You two might want to put all of that on hold. We have a case. Another hunger demon." Zed took a seat between the two and smiled, "Or, we have a case of child possession in Virginia." She hummed and ran a hand through her hair, "You two would love to lay in bed all day and make out, but you know we can't do that."

 

John rolled his eyes and sat up, "I hate my life sometimes" he murmured, laying his head on Chas' chest. "There are too many people that are dependant on me. It's so much pressure. I just want one day where I don't have to get on a flight to where ever, I don't have to get a bloody ass-kicking. I just want one day where I can get to stay home." He curled into Chas' lap and hummed, pressing a lazy kiss to his collarbone.

 

Chas stood up, setting John gently down on the floor, "Zed golf me the hunger demon is local. We only have to drive an hour. Now come on, let me do your tie up for you" He grinned down at John and re-tied his tie before straightening out his shirt. "Now go brush your teeth, you smell like scotch and whiskey."

 

John rolled his eyes and made his way back into the bathroom.

 

Chas got on a better shirt and washed up a little before fixing his messy hair. He looked up as John came back downstairs with a clean, black Dying Foetus (Fetus) shirt on. He gestured for John to come over, smiling then the exorcist came over and cuddled into his side. "Breath check?" he suggested, leaning down to let John breath in his face. "You're good. Now turn around and let me fix your collar, and your coat."

 

"I'm not five years old" John whined as he let Chas fix his attire.

 

"Alright, Zed is waiting for us, let's go." Chas grabbed his car keys and John's hand before they made their way out of the mill house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Judas Priest's Out In the Cold


	8. You Have To Live Before You Die Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of Suicide.

After the trio arrived home for the evening, John unwrapped himself  from his coat in the car and yawned, letting Chas carry him inside. "You're the best, mate," he laughed, curling into his boyfriend's hold. "Can you take me to bed?

Chas nodded and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend's nose, "It's five in the morning, of course I'm taking you to bed."

 

Zed ran a hand through her hair, "Yeah, we're all going to bed, John. I'm exhausted and I think Chas dozed off while driving."

 

"I get it, everyone is tired" John sighed, "So shut your mouth and go to bed." John laid his head on Chas' chest and closed his eyes. When he was laid down, the exorcist whined and reached out for Chas, who was changing clothes. "Chas, mate, can you give me a back rub? I think that bloody demon scraped it up when it threw me into the wall."

 

Chas sighed and grabbed the small bottle of massage oil that sat on his dresser before making his way back to bed, "Okay, roll over." He laughed when John groaned and turned over, his shirt ripped up in the back with a blood stain on it. Frowning, Chas pulled John from his shirt and bit his lip when he saw the deep, bleeding gash that went across the small of his back. "John, what happened to your back, baby? That looks like it'll need stitches."

 

"Bloody hell" John grumbled, moving to sit up before being pushed back down into the bed by Chas.

 

"I'm cleaning that up for you," he sighed, going through the drawers in his bedside table to find the first-aid kit he had thrown together while back. Eventually he found the kit and pulled out the needle and threat. Chas smeared sanitiser on his hands before threading the needle and pushing it through John's skin.

 

"Fuck that hurts" John grunted, pushing a hand through his hair.

 

Chas rolled his eyes, "You can't tell me that hurts, you got your hips pierced when you were twenty. And had them for  _five_ years. I watched you get it done and I'm pretty sure you got hard for it."

 

"You're a fucking liar, I did  _not_ get hard from that!" He grunted as Chas continued to push the needle through his skin, "That fucking hurts!"

 

"I'm very sorry, but I'm not letting you bleed to death so shut the fuck up." Chas eventually tied off the needle and sighed, "There, I'm done." He sat up and ran a hand through John's hair, "Now let me rub your back, love." When John rolled completely onto his stomach, Chas poured some oil onto his back, careful of the stitches, "Just close your eyes, baby" he cooed, kissing John's shoulder blades.

 

John hummed as Chas began working out the tight knots in his back, "Chas" he moaned, stretching out and yawning, "That feels so bloody good."

 

"Good, I'm glad" Chas hummed, sitting up and lighting a few candles. "That's better, isn't it?" He went back to straddling John's hips and rubbing the tight muscles. "You know, John," Chas began, "I've known you for years, but I still hardly know anything about you."

 

"Well, what do you want to know, mate?"

 

"So, where did you come from? What was home life life?" Chas rolled off of John and wiped his hands before sitting next to John and sighing, "I think it's time you told me your back story."

 

John tensed, his eyes falling away from Chas, "My mother died giving birth to me. My father always blamed me - he called me Killer. I heard it every night. After he was home from a night at the pub, which  _was_ every night. He would punch me in the head and say 'That's for your mother, Killer'" John sat up and laid back against the headboard, lighting a cigarette with a groan. "I tried running away quite a few times, but he always found me. Then at age fifteen, I tried to kill himself,  _somehow,_ I made it out alive. I made sure I bloody made  _sure_ that would not happen! As you can imagine, I don't remember hardly anything. But I do remember coming home from the hospital and my father making me clean up my own blood. He left it there just for me." The exorcist took a long drag from his cigarette, "Then I ran away again, and I made sure he wouldn't find me this time. Dropped all contact with the friends I thought would rat me out. I left the city, found new friends - you being one of them. Never looked back." _  
_

 

Chas wrapped an arm around John's shoulder, "What about all of this? When did you learn all of this magic?"

 

"When I was a teenager."

 

"John?"

 

"Yeah, mate?"

 

Chas smiled and turned John's head towards him, connecting their lips tenderly, holding John's hands tightly. "Fuck I love you."

 

John smiled brightly, cupping Chas face, "And I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Opeth's Ghost of Perdition. Finally another chapter! I'm having major writer's block, so bear with me. This is a bit of a filler chapter, but things should be getting better soon.


	9. Feeding Me A Lie

John woke up that morning with a start; he looked around, shaking Chas awake.

 

"What is it, John?" Chas slurred, shooting up right as he heard a loud crash.

 

"Get your gun, mate, I'm going to see what's happening." John got up out of bed and wrapped himself in his coat before opening the door. He slowly made his way down the hall. When he finally headed downstairs, he saw Zed, squirming under the weight of another man. "Hey!" he yelled, turning to his left when he heard Chas' gun loading.

 

"Get out or I'll shoot," snarled Chas, waiting for the other to load his gun. Zed saw the chance to knee the guy in the nuts, causing him to cry out and fall to the ground.

 

"You can't run forever, Mary," he panted out, "We  _will_  take you home one day."

 

"Where you can keep me locked in a room for the rest of my life!?" she growled, kicking the man in the stomach, "Never again.  _Ever."_

 

Chas grabbed the man by his shirt and proceeded to knock him out and drag him outside, quickly returning and pulling Zed from John's arms. "Put a spell on this place. That way no one can find it."

 

John nodded and got up, quickly making his way outside.

 

"Are you okay?" asked Chas as he helped Zed into the kitchen to clean the blood off her face.

 

"Yeah, just fine. Or.. I will be just fine. I mean - considering what just happened." Zed stretched and pushed Chas' hand away, "Really, I'm fine. Just a little shaken up. As you can imagine."

 

The two continued to chat, jumping when John came barging through the door, "We have a case, lads. In Michigan. We need to move now. Pack, and we'll be on the next flight out. Zed, you are more than welcome to stay here. No one will be able to find this place.

 

"No, I'm coming," Zed replied, "What do we have in Michigan?"

 

"As far as I know, just another nasty demon case." John sighed, running a hand through his hair.

 

"Everything is packed, now we wait for a little while before the flight."

 

"Until then" Chas murmured, "Can you leave John and I alone for a little while?" Zed nodded, standing up and heading back into her room.

 

John turned to Chas and smiled, "So, what's on your mind, love?"

 

"You," Chas purred, lifting John up onto the counter top. "I want to know you, John; know your mind, your body,  _you."_ He hummed, pressing kisses to John's throat and neck, "Tell me who John Constantine is, and what he's made of." He bit down on the exorcist's shoulder, "Because there is more to him than just daddy issues, an abnormal sex drive, and magic."

 

"My sex drive is  _not_ abnormal," John sassed, moaning louder when Chas bit his shoulder again. 

 

"Your legs wouldn't be that wide open already if it wasn't abnormal," Chas teased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it took so long to update. This story needs a little life to it, and it's something that I can't give it. If anyone would like to co write this with me, or shoot some ideas at me, you can Email me. My Email(s) are in my profile. This is just a filler chapter because I felt like I should give you guys something. Title by Kamelot's Citizen Zero.


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